Monday, February 19, 2018

Maria Hering’s Flotation Devices Seem to Work Well

In a few hours I’ll be beginning my three-day Christmas binge. I’ll have 72 hours to not give a shit about what is being put in/around Farrah Abraham’s gelatinous and flammable booty ass, 72 hours without letting Justin Bieber raise my blood pressure with snot-nosed douchery, and perhaps the greatest gift of all… 72 hours of drunken bliss that can’t be ruined by some celebrity doing something inappropriate with his penis. It’s going to be great.

As with most family holidays, there are a few things I’m not looking forward to. For starters, my sister, Mandy Cappuccino, is bringing her boyfriend who made $400 on Coinbase since October and never shuts up about how cryptocurrencies are the future. Once he gets going, it’s pretty impossible to block-change the subject, if you know what I mean. This motherfucker better have paid for whatever stupid coffee mug he got me with bitcoin- oh wait… Amazon/everywhere doesn’t accept bitcoin. Sorry Mandy, your boyfriend is a tool.

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